Looking for a copywriter job? Then learn the ad agency buzzwords…

Assets
Things that have earning power or some other value to the agency only when they reach  municipality garbage collectors. These include rejected brochures and promotional paraphernalia (big ones, medium ones, small ones, spot laminated ones, saddle-stitched ones, press bound ones etc) Style Only-No Brain client service executives, unhygienic pseudo creative guys.

Fixed Assets (also known as long-term assets) are things that have a life of more than 35 yrs but have no use for the advertising agency at present, for example old graphic designers dreaming about spray cans and have no necessary software skills, 1995 Mac machines, creative briefing tables; there are also intangible fixed assets, like the bad reputation of the agency for taking any job and promising to finish it on a single day, from painting the highway to sending people to moon.

Acid Quick Assets
Assets that are all curves but no brains. High heeled, highly made up (false hair, false eyelashes, false everything!) things that appear like comets. Nobody knows when a new one joins and when one quits: quick in both appearing and disappearing. Largely seen on husband/father visas.

Bear Market
In a bear market, creativity hibernates and creative team, anticipating job losses, tends to act busy. This can create a self-sustaining downward spiral. Clients will dictate terms even to an inter-galactic ad agency and art directors, copywriters, graphic designers, client service directors all will peacefully coexist like brothers. They even assemble to yawn as a team every half an hour.

When the market is bearish, client servicing guys look and act like poor rabbits. They will appear so cute that you will feel like pampering them at your laps and say sweet nothings into their ears. They pawn or sell their Mustangs, Corvettes, Suzukis, Kawasakis and BMWs and opt to walk home- alone. This soul reflecting lone act of walking helps them to brood on their credit card problems. (Also refer the title, Credit Crunch)

Credit Crunch
The situation is created when copywriters, graphic designers and client servicing guys lose all their money buying very expensive lifestyle gadgets like Black berries, iPhones, Mac Books etc. and look around for more money as  banks stop lending them. Suddenly they realize that when hungry they cannot eat these things and feels like a mermaid gifted with a pair of expensive shoes.

As they approach banks, they use a special mathematical formula to evaluate their potential repayment strength. This equation is as given below,

LRPc = [{[We x NCC] + 2 x HL +Nc} x Pseudo lifestyle index

LRPc is the loan Repayment capacity
We is the weight of one’s purse.[As the number of existing credit card increases, weight of the purse increases, hence reduced repayment capacity. Weight can also increase due to the presence of large number of coins, which in turn indicates the possibility that he is already a beggar. Thus lower repayment strength.]

NCC is the number of existing credit cards
HL is their greedy home loan which is also called Monkey business.
Nc is the number of sports cars.
Pseudo Lifestyle Index varies between 0 and 1. A normal advertising agency professional has this index between 0.5 and 1.

Indian Schools, Car lifts & baby sitting in Dubai, Sharjah, Al Qusais, Karama, Al Nahda, Rolla and Deira.

 

City, it is you!

Come on, tell me. Do you get enough time to spend with your wife/ husband? How early do you wake up to reach your office on time? And how rarely you reach back on time? How hard it is for you when radio jockeys eat your brains out on every single car journey you make? How much time you waste in traffic waiting to pick your children from babysitting? Can you afford to keep a house maid now? When you are frustrated waiting for a taxi, how do you cry out? Do you people still pray together?

Tell me. Is your child studying satisfactorily? Does he/she know something better than the names of cars and four wheel drives? Are you reading your toddler some stories or you just stuff him with fried chicken and sausage? Are you worried that your 5 year old talks like an adult rather than a child and your girl child is growing faster than she should ever be?

How deep is your credit card debt? When your car’s rear tyre needs to be replaced next month, will you have that extra 550 bucks to pay? Do you have any plans for surviving your next rent renewal?

Don’t feel shame, tell me. You really hope to save on your AC bills as the winter comes, right?

Be frank! Does your family back home know how hard it is for you to meet both ends? Are you sending something back home every month? Do you have anything saved up to make your trip back home on next vacation? Can you do anything about the rising living expenses? Are you calling home at least on Fridays? Can you be a help to your ageing parents when time is ripe? [Or will they die not seeing your face?].

When was the last time you smiled at your partner? And when was the last time he/she smiled at you? How bad you miss your friends? Do you envy your better off friends when you see their smiling pictures in face book, Hi5 or Orkut?

When was the last time, someone asked you, “Are you ok”?

Dear friend, tell me, are you ok?

Six Commandments for Advertising Copywriters, Designers, Media Planners & Client Servicing guys working in Dubai, Sharjah, Abu Dhabi or UAE.

These immortal laws are applicable not only to Dubai, Sharjah, Abu Dhabi or UAE advertising copywriters, designers, media planners & client servicing guys, but also to everyone across the world trying to make a living in advertising.

Thou shall not spend unnecessary time at your work place. But this does not mean thou shall not stretch work timings when situations demand . Respect thy job & advertising agency, but love thy family. Man is not for work, work is for man. [Reference: Chapter 3, Para 7, Verses 4-6, Gospel of work according to a Sarcastic non-award Winning Copywriter, 13.87^th edition]

Thou shall always remember that money, and not creativity, rules the world. If thee are rich, invest in Dubai, Sharjah, Ajman or UAE real estate and become more rich. If thee are creative, know that you cannot be rich, as by the law of nature creative people cannot be rich. [Reference: Chapter 3, Para 11, On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favored Races in the Struggle for Life ,by Charles Darwin]

Thou shall not fall into a Credit Card Trap. Know that even though jail is a nice place to daydream, it is a great place to have daymares too. Jail wardens, as a habit, love to break kneecaps. [Reference: Chapter 2, Para 9, A study of Broken Limbs & Legs among Graphic Designers, Copywriters & Media Planners in Dubai, Sharjah and UAE Advertising Agencies; written by A Sarcastic non-award Winning Copywriter, 1st edition]

Thou shall not skip breakfast and should eat at times. Know that clients will come and go, but ulcer stays a lifetime.

Thou shall always listen to client service people. Not because they are right, but because they are dying. Sooner of later they all will be killed by the Marlboro Reds they smoke. [Reference: The Tibetan Book of Dying by Smoking, written by A Sarcastic non-award Winning Copywriter]

Thou shall ride thy motorcycles very carefully as coffin shops are hard to find in UAE. But thou can try thy luck in Rolla by coercing one of those wooden photo frame merchants to coerce their carpenter to make one coffin for thou. If thou manage to get one, tie it strongly and tightly behind thy motorcycle carrier while thou go out for a ride. Thou will never know when thou need one while riding in the car crazy roads of UAE.

Believe in Angels

I believe in angels; come on! do not smirk, I mean it. I know my physics degree does not allow me to succumb to irrational thoughts as no Schrödinger equation or String theory can explain their existence. Also, as I am not a new ager, I cannot even pull in Synchronicity to at least explain the possibility of their presence. That is why I wrote” I believe” in angels here rather than an affirmative “I know” angels, as it is impossible for me to know these celestial winged entities from a plane above us through my earthly senses. Belief is personal while knowledge is universal. I acknowledge “knowing” as a table top globe teachers bring to the class room to teach geography while “belief” as the single strand of peacock feather I keep safe in my factory fresh note book, wrapped well inside a cellophane paper to protect it from sunlight, that I secretly take out at night in my bed to admire in the dim light.

I believe I still hear soft flutters at night while I am half asleep. I can feel the weight of someone’s eyes on me, watching me taking my breath. Maybe, these are all just mental constructs, illusions of a tired mind trying to take some rest. Maybe life is very dry and boring in reality and the only things ever matter are payment dues and illnesses.

But tonight, I will once again take out that peacock feather strand and…

How to run an advertising agency profitably…

In Dubai, Sharjah or Abu Dhabi three things are very common and found in large numbers.

1. Advertising Agencies

2. Women’s Beauty Saloons

3. People driving for the sake of driving and not intending to go anywhere.

Now, I am going to talk only about the first thing mentioned. Later, I will be back with vengeance to talk about the other two equally amazing subjects. So as the heading suggests, let us see how an advertising agency can be run profitably. I will proceed point by point, as by that way it will be more useful to future entrepreneurs. So here we go…

1. Buy a Mac. Don’t ask me what version of Mac, as long as it looks like a Mac it will do. If it does not work, buy a PC that works, but you should somehow have a Mac sitting somewhere in the office. This is to amaze and impress those small clients that will take your bait.

2. Have an address. I am not saying that you should have an office, but people SHOULD think that you have an office.

3. Take all your belongings and pawn it or sell it. Buy an expensive car, expensive BIG watch, mobile phone etc. that will make your existing/potential clients think you have good financial backup. Believe me, advertising agency work is 15% commission, 15% talent and 70% show or flaunting. The trick to get clients is to trick them with your accessories and ingenuity.

4. Now buy the cheapest labor possible. See, I haven’t mentioned creative designer, visualizer, graphic artist, copywriter, creative director, art director or anything of that sort, I said “labor”. Appoint any person/labor who knows some Photoshop and give him the greatest designation possible. Call him creative designer, visualizer, graphic artist, copywriter, creative director, art director or anything of that sort as long as he works 23 hrs a day. [Come on, give him one hour for refreshments, we are not inhuman, are we?]

5. Now print your advertising agency brochure with all the “comprehensive” solutions that you offer. These services should cover print ads to satellite beaming.

6. When you get more clients because of their bad luck and ignorance, don’t take more labor (I mean, graphic artists). Instead, train the existing designer to use his left & right hand on two mouses simultaneously. Boost his morale by stories of people who have achieved greatness by working with two hands. And, if possible, hint on the possibilities of attaining nirvana by using legs too!

7. Even if you screw up with a client, don’t worry. Many agencies survive and even thrive with once- in –a -lifetime business deals.

Now some tips. Always try for builders/ construction/ real estate companies. They have big money and always want their real estate brochures printed and delivered in that particular day itself. Even if you make mistakes in the brochure nobody will notice as, you know, real estate guys don’t normally READ anything.

That is why even doctors like them!

CLICK HERE to know why all copywriters go to hell!

What will I ask God?

If I ever meet God personally, what all will I ask? When and where will we meet? He might be checking price tags of various products in a supermarket while I bump into him. Blue eyes, long white beard and very neatly (expensive?) stitched pinstripe back coat. He will be taller than me. Oh God! I will exclaim… I was waiting for this moment all my life. Now this has become a reality, but I haven’t thought about what all I should ask you….yes, really, what all will I ask if I can ask some important questions and He has only 60 minutes to spare?

Hmmm, may be these are the possible ones…

1. Why do innocent people suffer in this world if you are watching over? (Stock question)

2. Before Big Bang, what was there? And how all these got created?

3. Is freewill an idea or a reality, and why so, please explain.

4. What is reality? And how do you explain Quantum Mechanics divinely? Do you really play dice with the Universe?

5. What is the physical meaning of square root of minus one?

6. What is light? And why its speed a damn (sorry!), I mean an awesome 3×10⁸ m/s?

7. What is the difference between Right & Wrong? Are they absolute?

And ultimately, the GRAND SCHEME question

Why there should be something rather than nothing?

May be as because He is God, He can explain these things in the given limited time and make me understand the answers. May be He might just smile and this gesture alone will enlighten me. May be God wants me to understand them by myself. May be God has created me to wonder at everything He has made. May be, that is the true meaning of my life.

Truth for life, the duality…

A toddler falling down without losing eye contact, a small puppy trying to climb steep stairs, an old frail man trying to bring teacup to his lips controlling his trembling hands, a blind man crossing road, a priest going to his bed after late night mass, an over worked dedicated emergency room nurse, a widow doing Christmas shopping,…

These are the sights that makes my eyes wet.

A toddler falling down without losing eye contact, a small puppy trying to climb steep stairs, an old frail man trying to bring teacup to his lips controlling his trembling hands, a blind man crossing road, a priest going to his bed after late night mass, an over worked dedicated emergency room nurse, a widow doing Christmas shopping,…

These are the sights that make me smile at life.

“Oh! Arjuna, when this duality comes to an end, you and I will live in one place, with one name.” Lord Krishna, as said to Arjuna

The Buddha Bar & the Buddha

One great thing about Siddhartha, among many other equally great things as a human being, is that he could attain Nirvana without the help of an external aid. Before folding his legs to sit under the Bodhi tree, he was unaware of a state called enlightment and was not aiming to attain it. Englightment was not an objective of his quest, but sure a way beyond the circle of life and death. But as he was traveling on the right path, the answer, full illumination or total awareness arouse on his seventh day under the tree.

I am an amateur armchair philosopher. For me Buddha represents various images that I have seen, from my school text books to $ 76 Zen Buddhist self help books available in the market. I haven’t learned much about him, though for the last 3 years am reading some good books on his teachings.

Last night, while flipping channels, I came across a party scene- happening in a so called Buddha Bar! Buddha Bar; a good differentiating esoteric name. In the lounge (may be called a Bodhi Lounge, who knows?) semi clad punk women drink deep red vine and crystal clear gin. Glasses clink, lights flash, low but deep bass music fill the background. In the middle of the room, immersed in red lights, towers a statute of Smiling Buddha.

Please know that I am not against celebrating life. It’s good to make money and to relish on the benefits that it showers. I love parties. I like tight black polka dotted shirts. I still miss the mornings after a night party when I wakeup late and look at the table clock to realize that it is already 12 pm, the feeling of sun rays burning my skin while dizzily opening the window curtains.

But leave Buddha. Seriously, leave him alone. I know he does not give a damn about us giving a slaphappy bar his name. But we should give a damn. Even though theoretically it can be said that there is a Buddha inside everything, leave theories that way. Let us give some respect to the resolve of a person who left everything behind in search of truth.

I know Buddha will be smiling if he reads this. But he will be smiling if he does not read this too. That’s the greatness in attaining full awareness.

That is it. Full circle of infinite wisdom. Period.

When will I die?

When I am old enough to die, where will I go to die? Will I die in luxury lying down in a bed facing the beach at my son’s multi million dollar residence or slowly give up my fight lying at the gate of a multinational bank protesting their decision to acquire my assets against a defaulted loan? May be I will fall off the staircase, may be I will be so frail that some ruffian will think that it is fun just to knock me down as I return from my Sunday grocery shopping. Or government will send a secret agent to slay me because I am crossing 85yrs and will be eligible for a big senior citizen pension from next day onwards. If I don’t die of my old age, how will I die? Will I commit suicide or get shot accidentally in a pub drinking beer? May be a flowerpot will fall into my head from a balcony as I bend down to scrap away the chewing gum that got stuck under my right shoe sole. Or will I die in a foreign country working there or fall off the cliff while marveling the scenic beauty of nature as a tourist?

Whatever way I die or wherever I die, thanks to the million reasons that keep me alive. Thanks to all the people helping me survive, and thrive. Thanks to all the things that make me smile.

Thanks to life.